Why is it that when I feel lonely, I desire to be fully alone?
Maybe I feel lonely because I’m stuck amidst many people, claustrophobic. I want to shut off all the noise and have space. Being with and amongst people just makes me feel more alone. Maybe I desire to be alone so that I can breathe, and ground, and hear my inner voice, and the voice of my Creator, and remember who I am.
I can go somewhere far away – sit in traffic which amplifies the tension, or on a train surrounded by people – to where I think I can escape and find silence. Yet silence is rarely found, and the experience is rarely satisfactory, because I cannot run away from my own mind, thoughts, loneliness. There is too much expectation in the place to be what I need, to restore me, to heal.
Can I find that where I am? Do I just need rest, or to be outside, to exercise, to do something spontaneous? To remind myself that I am not totally powerless, even if I feel that way because I can’t change the loneliness. I can’t make someone love me.. I can’t make the feeling go away by sheer willpower. It is there, and it probably always will be, in some form. Filling it with people and things and busyness will only medicate for a while.
But still it remains. The desire for connection. We are disconnected. From creation, from each other, from ourselves.
Maybe the loneliness is just me, calling me back to myself.